Are Therapists to Blame for Family Estrangement? A More Important Question
A recent Wall Street Journal article raised an important conversation within the mental health profession about family estrangement. Are therapists contributing to the rise in adult children cutting off contact with their parents?
I don't think that's the most important question.
As therapists, we typically hear one person's lived experience. That is both a privilege and a responsibility.
Our role isn't to tell someone to cut off a parent. It also isn't to convince someone to stay in a relationship that feels unsafe or harmful.
Our role is to help clients slow down and become curious about their experiences. Together, we explore the full picture. We assess safety, recognize patterns, and consider how developmental experiences may still be shaping their responses. We also help clients clarify their values so they can make decisions they can live with.
Therapy Should Include Both Validation and Thoughtful Challenge
One concern I share is that therapists should never assume they know the whole story after hearing one person's account.
Clients deserve to be believed when they describe their experiences. They also deserve therapists who are thoughtful enough to recognize that every family system is complex.
Good therapy involves both support and challenge.
That means helping clients:
Consider different perspectives.
Explore blind spots.
Understand how trauma may influence perception.
Examine relationship patterns.
Think through potential consequences.
Remain open to new information as healing occurs.
Validation is not the same thing as automatically reinforcing every conclusion. Likewise, challenging a client does not mean minimizing their pain.
The therapeutic relationship should create enough safety for both.
Family Estrangement Is Rarely a Simple Decision
I do share concerns when no contact is presented as a quick or universal solution. Family estrangement has lifelong consequences. Those decisions deserve careful exploration rather than being framed as an automatic form of self-care.
At the same time, I also believe we have to be careful not to minimize why many people become estranged.
For some individuals, the decision follows years—or even decades—of attempting to repair the relationship.
When someone experiences ongoing abuse or coercive control, creating distance may be the healthiest option available. The same may be true when relationships are marked by chronic manipulation, repeated boundary violations, severe emotional immaturity, or patterns that consistently undermine a person's physical or psychological safety. In those situations, estrangement is often less about self-care and more about protection.
Most Families Don't Fit Into Extremes
The reality is that family relationships rarely fit neatly into black-and-white categories.
Previous generations often leaned toward:
"Stay connected no matter what."
Some modern conversations can lean toward:
"Cut them off if they're toxic."
Neither extreme captures the complexity most families actually experience.
Healthy therapy helps clients tolerate nuance rather than forcing simple answers.
Boundaries and No Contact Are Not the Same Thing
One distinction I think often gets overlooked is that boundaries and no contact are entirely different interventions.
There is a wide range of possibilities between unlimited access and complete estrangement.
Sometimes healthier boundaries look like:
Limiting conversations to certain topics.
Seeing family only in group settings.
Reducing the frequency of contact.
Ending conversations when they become abusive.
Choosing emotional distance without complete physical separation.
Taking temporary space while healing occurs.
Part of therapy is helping clients determine what level of contact best aligns with both their safety and their values.
The Influence of Social Media
Another concern I have is how much social media has begun influencing conversations about family relationships.
Online platforms reward certainty.
Algorithms reward emotionally charged content.
Unfortunately, family systems are rarely simple enough to fit into a sixty-second video.
Labels like "toxic," "narcissist," or "cut them off" can sometimes become oversimplified answers to incredibly complicated dynamics.
That doesn't mean those concepts aren't real.
It means therapists have an ethical responsibility to think beyond trends and continue approaching each client with curiosity, humility, and individualized care.
Therapy should create space for nuance, not certainty.
We Need More Research
This is also an area where I'd love to see more research.
Family estrangement has lifelong implications.
Remaining in chronically unhealthy or abusive relationships also has lifelong implications.
Both realities deserve thoughtful scientific study.
Both deserve thoughtful clinical care.
Rather than asking whether estrangement is always good or always bad, we should be asking:
Who benefits from estrangement?
Under what circumstances?
What predicts reconciliation?
What predicts long-term healing?
When do boundaries become sufficient?
When is no contact truly necessary?
These are complicated questions that deserve evidence rather than assumptions.
Good Therapy Doesn't Choose Sides
Ultimately, I don't believe good therapy chooses sides.
The goal isn't to convince someone to stay. The goal isn't to convince someone to leave.
The goal isn't to decide for clients. It's to help them better understand their experiences, reconnect with their values, and make thoughtful decisions about how they want to move forward. Along the way, therapy can support nervous system regulation, healing developmental wounds, and building healthier boundaries.
It also means recognizing that healing is not static. The healthiest decision today may not be the healthiest decision five or ten years from now. As people heal, relationships change. Families change. Boundaries change. Sometimes reconciliation becomes possible. Sometimes it doesn't.
Neither outcome should be predetermined by the therapist.
Sometimes therapy leads to reconciliation. Sometimes it leads to limited contact. Sometimes it leads to no contact.
Our responsibility isn't to decide the outcome. Our responsibility is to help clients arrive at that decision with clarity, intention, and as much emotional health as possible.
Family estrangement should never become routine clinical advice.
Nor should preserving family relationships at all costs.
The ethical path lies somewhere in the middle: honoring clients' lived experiences while remaining curious and committed to helping them build relationships that are both emotionally healthy and psychologically safe.
You Don't Have to Navigate This Alone
If you're navigating a complicated family relationship and aren't sure what the healthiest path forward looks like, therapy can provide a space to explore those questions without pressure or predetermined answers. If you'd like support, I'd be honored to walk alongside you. You can schedule a consultation to learn more about working together.
